The Noodle Extruder
>> ‘Ho-Pang, Nancy’
>>to: [ADMIN] Wing, ,Tzi
Look, I’m gonna come right out and say it: the security guys are right. There’s something horribly wrong with that Noodle Extruder.
I ran a diagnostic on it this afternoon. I was halfway through recalibrating the broth nozzles when the damned thing started humming. And, sure enough, it started churning out steaming-hot jook-sing noodles… just dumping ‘em into the palms of my hands. You don’t even want to see the blisters I’m sporting right now.
Now, here’s the freaky thing: *the dough hopper was empty.* I unloaded it myself prior to beginning the diagnostic. I want to repeat that. *It was producing dough out of thin air.*
That machine is haunted. You want my advice, you’ll get rid of it before the show.
- Ho-Pang, Nancy
>> [ADMN] Wing, Tzi
>>to: DeckCon_All
The Noodle Extruder in the food court area is out of order, and should be left unplugged until further notice. Under no circumstances should any hotel or DeckCon employee tamper with this device. Maintenance is looking into it.
Again: DO NOT PLUG IN THE EXTRUDER. Severe disciplinary action will be taken against any employee caught disobeying these instructions.
- Wing, Tzi
>> ‘Ho-Pang, Nancy’
>>to: [ADMIN] Wing, Tzi
Okay, I’m getting *seriously* creeped out over here. The damned Noodle Extruder is *back,* Tzi.
I can’t explain it. We boxed the thing up yesterday and sent it to the manufacturer. It wasn’t here five minutes ago. But now that we’ve opened the doors and the show is under way, I’m strolling through the food court, and there it is. Just sitting there, with a line already forming.
What the hell do we do? You and I both know that it doesn’t have any dough in it. There’s no seasoning in the spice reservoir, we don’t have it hooked up to the hotel’s water supply. The fucking thing isn’t even plugged in!
WHERE ARE THE NOODLES COMING FROM? What do we do?!
- Ho-Pang, Nancy
>>to: Ho-Pang, Nancy
It’s too late, Nancy. At least a dozen people have already eaten from the thing. We can’t shut it down now, and we sure as hell can’t let anyone know about it. If people were to get sick, the show could be held liable!
Look. If it’s any consolation, I’ve been poring through the logs of old shows to see if anyone had mentioned the Noodle Extruder, and I found something. This exact conversation.
Fourteen years in a row.
I don’t know what’s happening with this machine. I don’t know where it came from, or how, or why. But it’s a part of DeckCon. Nobody can get rid of it. Nobody knows how it works. It just does, and people keep coming back to visit it.
I think that this is a blessing in disguise. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway. Just… don’t question it, and everything will be okay.
- Wing, Tzi
—”DeckCon 2056,” Shadowrun: Hong Kong
[A Crossroads Archive inventory intake form.]
RECEIVED: One (1) Marteau ElectroLife Automatic Noodle Extruder w/ integrated Crossroads Translocation Technology. Product prototype.
DESCRIPTION: Kiosk-style coin-operated vending machine capable of producing a variety of noodle-based products. Integrated translocation technology acts as an alternative ingredient feed. A manually-fed dough hopper is also included.
NATURE OF FAULT: Translocation technology faulty. Entire device underwent spontaneous dimensional shift on at least 4 separate occasions. Evidence of intelligent thought. Possibly haunted/possessed.
[Appended to the bottom of the form, a handwritten note:]
We can’t contain this thing, Carter. I don’t even know if we can dismantle it. I suggest that we “lose” this intake form and shove the entire device through the Goodbye Gate. We won’t know where it winds up, but it won’t be our problem anymore.
—Lore pickup, The Lamplighters League
